No News Is You Know What

I have it on good authority that the networks are planning to cancel all news except for coverage of the presidential campaign starting next week and running until the elections a little over a year from now. It sounds harsh, I know, but it's a small price to pay to eliminate school shootings, high-speed car chases, Brittney and Lindsay, various and sundry wars, and congressional bickering. At the same time, the candidates have all signed a contract negotiated by the William Morris Agency to take the debates on tour, to compete with the American Idol Tour. Over a hundred and fifty cities between now and the selection of the candidates presumptive in the primaries. Between then and November there will be an additional fifty cities, but since the field will be narrowed down to only two, Bruce Springstein and the E Street Band will open for them part of the time, with Ross Perot, Ralph Nader, and John Dean filling the rest of the dates. Afterward the entire country will be entering rehab.