Face Off

On this day in 1789 George Washington was inaugurated as our first President on the balcony of Federal Hall in New York City. "....the foundation of our national policy will be laid in pure and immutable principles of private morality," he said in his address that day. How sad that two hundred and twenty years later we're divided about whether or not torture is justified. That's about as mutable as you can get, right, George?

If Music Be the Food Of Love

"Hell is filled with musical amateurs. Music is the brandy of the damned." -- George Bernard Shaw, Man and Superman, 1903.

Up In Smoke

"Let me have my own way in exactly everything and a sunnier and pleasanter creature does not exist." -- Thomas Carlyle, quoted by Christopher Buckley.

Healthy As a Pig

"I have pain in my joints, my feet hurt, I can't sleep at night, and I'm always short of breath," a friend told me recently. "What do you care?" I said to him. "At least you still have your health.

Words, Words, Words

When Dr. Samuel Johnson heard that a man who had survived one unhappy marriage had taken a second wife he remarked that the remarriage was a "triumph of hope over reason."

Money Makes the Wheels Go Round

I have friends with a seventeen-year old son who has acquired an old junker. His mom and dad are astonished at the labor he puts in getting it running smoothly, cleaning and polishing it, and eliminating dents. The suggestion was made that maybe if his room were on wheels he's lavish some attention on that too.

Head Trip

Psychology is the science of predicting how people behave -- and explaining why they don't.

Demi Tasse

Making the team is tough for individual players, but in the end it's really the coach who has to make the team.

More Office Humor

Today's the day, everyone, the big nine-oh-oh. Yup, another century, 900 straight days of new cartoons. And by the way, lest anyone doubt that cartooning is often fueled by rage, I offer up the above.

Hell On Wheels

I finally bit the bullet and switched to an Apple. Microsoft Vista was the last disastrous straw. I'm happy to report that the good folks at Best Buy stepped up to the plate for me and took the Dell back even though the 14-day trial period had passed. I pointed out to them as politely as I could that it was outrageous for them to sell me a computer with an operating system they knew was a piece of crap. After 25 years of computing I can now say that I love my Mac.

Thy Will Be Done, Well Done

The computer gremlins are at it again. Almost didn't get this thing working today, and since it's been a deteriorating situation there's no telling when it will finally crash once and for all. Shame, because I'm only two days shy of completing another century. That's right, we're closing fast on 900 straight days of 'toons. Wish us luck with the 'puter.

No, She Said, Nodding

The battle of the sexes has more surrenders than casualties, and a lot of hand-to-hand skirmishes.

Seeing Is Believing

It's hard to believe, I know, but as of this date the laundromat has been a part of our lives since the first one opened in Fort Worth, Texas seventy-five years ago. It's a fitting thing to consider now, when everyone is so concerned with cleaning up the financial mess.

Half Fast

"This is the only country that ever went to the poorhouse in an automobile." Will Rogers, early 1930's. Even more relevant now than then!

We Eat Therefore We Are

It's always amused me that some of the sickliest people you'll ever find are to be seen hanging out in health food stores. Even weirder than that is the fact that in your local supermarket the "health food" section is smaller than anything else. Scary, huh?

Dr. Mommy

Young physicians just out of medical school have 20 pills for every illness. By the time they're at the end of their careers, some fifty years later, they have one pill for every 20 diseases.

Where the Sun Don't Shine

On a darker note, this is a double anniversay of two bleak events. On this day in 1912 the Titanic rammed an iceberg and sank. Going back to 1865, it's the day Lincoln was shot while watching a really bad play. Avoid actors and ice today.

Watch Your Language

It was Oscar Wilde who once commented after the opening of one of his lesser known works, "the play was a success, but the audience was a failure."

Wag the Dog

Talk about an intelligence failure, this one trumps the firing of the British Chief of Intelligence this week for walking into 10 Downing St. waving around a secret report on terrorist surveillence so openly that photographers were able to snap pictures of it. I'm talking about the word leaking out about the new first dog. To quote Pogo: "We have met the enemy and he is us."

The Unkindest Cut

Having followed accounts of political and financial doings over the years, I can't help but notice how frequently one is told that "public opinion is divided." It suddenly occurred to me that public opinion only is ever one thing. Divided.

Diva Dog

Lest anyone forget, a gentle reminder that Out of Order, the book of cartoons that the New Yorker doesn't want people to see, is available. Go to www.OutskirtsPress.com/out of order/. Or contact me directly at jcrwth@aol.com. In these troubling times laughter is definitely in order.

So Help Me God

Of the many quirks about Italian law, perhaps the most intriguing is the fact that there's no such thing as perjury in civil court trials. A defendant has the constitutional right to do anything necessary to defend himself, and that includes lying. It's up to the plaintiff to prove a lie, if there is one.

Bottoms Up

In this age of synthetic food, today may be the anniversary of its beginning. One hundred and thirty-five years ago on this date the patent was issued for oleomargerine. I may be showing my age, but I remember when it was white, like lard, and came in clear plastic bags. Inside was a small bubble of artificial coloring, which was kneaded into the white substance to make the stuff appear like butter. Those were the days when, contrary to one popular brand, one could easily believe it wasn't butter.

Law And a Side Order of Fries

The value of law and order depends on whose law it is and who gives the order.

Eye For An Eye

"It's a bit amateur to expect justice when we're dealing with the law." From the film King and Country, directed by Joseph Losey, 1964.

The More Things Stay the Same

I wish someone would explain to me the logic behind "low fat heavy cream." They have it in the supermarket, I swear. I thought cream was fat.

Head Trip

I hate it when I'm feeling ill and someone tells me it's all in my mind. That's the worst place for it to be. If I'm really sick there's something I can do about it, but if it's in my mind I'm helpless.

Talk About Change

"That folly which shakes one man with laughter will convulse another with indignation." Samuel Johnson, The Rambler, 1751.

Love, Marriage, and Beyond

The Borscht-belt comedian Myron Cohen used to tell the joke about the husband who came home early, suspicious that his wife was having an affair. He threw open the closet door and found a man cowering inside. "What are you doing here?" the irate husband raged. "Hey," said the man, "everybody has to be somewhere."

Happy You Know What Day

Here at The Journey, where every day is a Fool's day, we can only sit back and wonder at a world that sets aside only one occasion a year to celebrate foolishness. Theories abound as to the origins of this non-holiday, but I throw my lot with the idea that it began with Noah, who sent the raven out too soon to check if the flood had abated. The raven came back and told Noah spring would last six more weeks, thereby incurring the famous feud between ravens and groundhogs.